The Art of Listening

Adults. We talk a lot. We're not always the best listeners when it comes to children. It's part of our nature to want to solve problems and impart our own wisdom. To teach, really. When it comes to young children, there are times when we, as teachers of life, just can't help ourselves.

But learning when to bite our tongue can also be a very powerful - and challenging - exercise.

The other day a child came to school with a problem that needed to be solved. The swings are a very popular place on the playground - often having a line of four or five children long - and there was no good way to save one's place to go to the bathroom, get a coat, or grab a quick drink of water.

Being the great problem-solver that she already is, this child came to school with a plan. She had written out the names of five friends on separate pieces of paper to place on the swings as "placeholders" should the need arise.

Every fiber in my adult/teacher being wanted to point out the potential problems to this well-meaning child:
How are the other children going to feel that don't have placeholders?
But these pieces of paper won't hold up ten minutes in a Pacific Northwest downpour!
It's not okay to save swings in the first place!

I ended up commending her for her attention to the problem and her attempt to come up with a solution. Then I suggested we talk as a group about other possible solutions to the problem. Our meeting went something like this:

Me: Hannah noticed a problem on our playground. There's no good way to save your swing or place in line if you have to go to the bathroom. Does anyone else see this as a problem?

Everyone raises their hand.

Me: So do you think we should be able to save a swing? Even if there's a line of people waiting?

Everyone nods unanimously and excitedly. (This took every ounce of restraint not to point out the issues with this)

Student: You can save your place inside but you can't save your place outside! (Hmmmm....never thought about that)

Me: So this is obviously a problem. What are some ways that we can solve it?

Hannah (showing the name cards that she made) explains her idea (solution #1)

Student: My name isn't in there!

Hannah: I could make a card for everyone in the class. (solution #2)

Student: What about the sand timer? (solution #3)

Me: How would you use the sand timer to solve this problem?

Student shrugs his shoulders. A few others solutions were then discussed, including teachers saving spots for students - an idea that was quickly dismissed by students for being too impractical.

Me: Okay, so we agree that we all want to be able to save our swing. Do you see any potential problems with Hannah's pieces of paper? (Part of me wishes that I had encouraged them to use the papers to see how quickly they would fall apart but we were having such a good conversation at this point and I saw it as an opportunity to deepen their thinking even more).

Student: We could lose them.

Student: They could get wet.

Student: What about a beanbag instead? Everyone starts agreeing.

Me: Okay, so we'll use a beanbag to hold places in line. Do we all agree on this solution? An overwhelming agreement finalized the meeting.

Within only five minutes, a teacher-guided / student-led conversation had resulted in a real problem being solved. Students felt validated. Cooperation was rewarded. A feeling of mutual respect was instilled. And while I can still see the potential problems down the road (how long can you save a swing or place for?), they will be rich sources for authentic conflict resolution strategies.

I encourage you to bite your tongue the next time you are around children willing and wanting to solve a problem. Guide them to think critically. Encourage them to consider their peers' viewpoints. Challenge them to come up with - and stick to/reconsider - their solutions. Doing this will result in genuine and authentic learning that will lead to autonomous, empowered citizens of the world.

Social and Emotional Health Assets

Last night, the local school district sponsored an event about Social and Emotional Health Assets that resonated with me as an early childhood educator, as well as a parent of elementary school-aged children. When I chatted with the people sitting next to me, I realized that the messages from the presentation also applied to parents of teens, young adults, and even adults. Rarely do I attend a meeting where strategies transcend such a wide span of ages - the evening left me feeling energized with new ideas.

The speaker, Clay Roberts, discussed the importance of Social and Emotional Health Assets - both external and internal assets - that are critical for a child's mental well being. The greater number of these assets a child is exposed to during his/her childhood, the less likely he/she is to participate in risky behaviors and the more likely he/she is to become a positive member of society with a strong foundation of moral character.

This list of assets is not my own, rather the compilation of a variety of researchers of social and emotional health programs.

As you read through this list, ask yourself:
- which of these assets were paramount in my own upbringing? 
- which of these assets were paramount in my own upbringing and I am focusing on as a parent myself?
- which of these assets were not paramount in my own upbringing but are important to me as a parent myself?
- which of these assets are my strengths as a parent? 
- which of these assets would I like to improve on? (and what are some ways that I can make that happen?)

Children become socially, emotionally strong and capable when they:

Experience high levels of support from a variety of institutions and individuals including:
- loving, supportive families
- other adult relationships (think of it as other parents looking out for your child as if he/she were their own)
- caring neighborhood
- caring school environment
- youth programs
- faith community

Feel empowered, valued, and capable as a result of experiencing:
- a community that values youth
- being treated as a resource
- providing service to others
- feeling safe

Have clear and logical consequences and are surrounded by people who have appropriately high expectations for them. These boundaries and expectations include:
- family, school, and neighborhood boundaries
- adult role models
- positive peer influence (are your child's friends good for them?)
- high expectations
- worthy challenges

Have a range of social skills and attitudes that allows him/her to function successfully in a variety of social settings, including:
- making and keeping friends
- peaceful conflict resolution
- acceptance and tolerance
- planning and decision making
- cultural competence
- resistance skills (knowing how to say 'no' without losing relationships)
- social awareness and advocacy

Possess a number of core positive values that serve as a moral compass and guide their life choices:
integrity / courage / caring / honesty / responsibility / restraint / equity and social justice / fairness / respect

Possess the insight and skills to achieve and maintain a healthy and stable emotional state:
- emotional awareness
- sympathy and empathy
- self-management
- anger management and self-control
- self-aware and self reliant

Possess the attitudes and beliefs that better ensure long term success in school and life (i.e. a positive identity):
- resourcefulness
- grit (the ability to positively deal with "crap") and perseverance
- sense of purpose
- self-reliance
- passion
- growth mindset
- positive view of future
- creativity

For more information, check out the full presentation slideshow here.

Transitioning to Kindergarten

The end of preschool can bring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions - for children and parents both. For those who haven't seen a child off to kindergarten before (and even those who have...particularly if the transition was challenging the first time around), there can be a lot of anxiety and worry about the unknown. A lot of families also experience sadness that the close-knit community of the preschool years is coming to an end. The more we, as parents, are able to identify and validate our own emotions during these more challenging times, the better we can support our children to do the same.

Here are a few tips for helping children (and ourselves) through this transition period:

1. Talk openly with your child about their feelings regarding the transition to kindergarten. 

Listening without judgement ("that's silly to feel worried") or brushing off their feelings ("you don't need to be worried. It'll be fine") will provide your child with the pathway to express him/herself when they're ready.

Starting the listening and conversation process early will allow more reluctant or uncertain children time to process how they're feeling. This takes time for a lot of children! Role playing with puppets or stuffed animals can be a handy tool for talking about feelings, too.

Validating their feelings ("it's okay to feel worried..."), while offering reassurances, will help to build your child's confidence and comfort in being an independent thinker.

2. Try not to show your own anxieties too much - or add to the anxiety of the experience (such as with a "countdown to kindergarten" chart). Instead, try talking with your child about your own kindergarten experience in a relaxed and informal way. Or have a sibling tell your child about some of their positive experiences from that year. (Save the overcoming-negative-experiences stories for later).

3. Create some familiarity.

If you know the school that your child will be attending, spend time on the playground there over the summer. Walk through the halls when the doors open again in August. Plan play dates over the summer with children who will be attending the same school.

For those families living in a swing district, spend time at both schools! We are so fortunate to live in a community with so many wonderful elementary campuses.

4. Prepare your child by playing the "what if" game.

At bedtime, or another relaxed time of day, talk your child through some of the unknowns of the day using this playful format.
"What if... you need to use the bathroom during class?"
"What if... you hurt yourself out at recess?"
"What if... you can't find your classroom?"
Talking through these scenarios and coming up with a general plan for each will provide your child with the power of information and, hopefully, help to ease some of the anxieties leading up to elementary school.

5. Read! Read! Read!

There are many great books about the kindergarten transition. Miss Bindergarten Gets Ready for Kindergarten is my personal favorite. Others include: Look Out Kindergarten, Here I Come!, The Pirate of Kindergarten, and Kindergarten Rocks! (to name just a few).

You might also consider reading stories about some of the uncomfortable emotions that your child may be experiencing leading up to kindergarten. Wemberly Worried and Chrysanthemum are two of my favorites. Of course, there are tons of wonderful stories out there to help your child learn strategies for getting back to green.

With all of these suggestions, remember not to go too overboard. Watch how your child responds and adjust accordingly. September is still a long way off and children at this age don't have a strong sense of time. While some children may need quite a bit of preparation time, others may not. You know your child best. Follow their lead.