Social and Emotional Health Assets

Last night, the local school district sponsored an event about Social and Emotional Health Assets that resonated with me as an early childhood educator, as well as a parent of elementary school-aged children. When I chatted with the people sitting next to me, I realized that the messages from the presentation also applied to parents of teens, young adults, and even adults. Rarely do I attend a meeting where strategies transcend such a wide span of ages - the evening left me feeling energized with new ideas.

The speaker, Clay Roberts, discussed the importance of Social and Emotional Health Assets - both external and internal assets - that are critical for a child's mental well being. The greater number of these assets a child is exposed to during his/her childhood, the less likely he/she is to participate in risky behaviors and the more likely he/she is to become a positive member of society with a strong foundation of moral character.

This list of assets is not my own, rather the compilation of a variety of researchers of social and emotional health programs.

As you read through this list, ask yourself:
- which of these assets were paramount in my own upbringing? 
- which of these assets were paramount in my own upbringing and I am focusing on as a parent myself?
- which of these assets were not paramount in my own upbringing but are important to me as a parent myself?
- which of these assets are my strengths as a parent? 
- which of these assets would I like to improve on? (and what are some ways that I can make that happen?)

Children become socially, emotionally strong and capable when they:

Experience high levels of support from a variety of institutions and individuals including:
- loving, supportive families
- other adult relationships (think of it as other parents looking out for your child as if he/she were their own)
- caring neighborhood
- caring school environment
- youth programs
- faith community

Feel empowered, valued, and capable as a result of experiencing:
- a community that values youth
- being treated as a resource
- providing service to others
- feeling safe

Have clear and logical consequences and are surrounded by people who have appropriately high expectations for them. These boundaries and expectations include:
- family, school, and neighborhood boundaries
- adult role models
- positive peer influence (are your child's friends good for them?)
- high expectations
- worthy challenges

Have a range of social skills and attitudes that allows him/her to function successfully in a variety of social settings, including:
- making and keeping friends
- peaceful conflict resolution
- acceptance and tolerance
- planning and decision making
- cultural competence
- resistance skills (knowing how to say 'no' without losing relationships)
- social awareness and advocacy

Possess a number of core positive values that serve as a moral compass and guide their life choices:
integrity / courage / caring / honesty / responsibility / restraint / equity and social justice / fairness / respect

Possess the insight and skills to achieve and maintain a healthy and stable emotional state:
- emotional awareness
- sympathy and empathy
- self-management
- anger management and self-control
- self-aware and self reliant

Possess the attitudes and beliefs that better ensure long term success in school and life (i.e. a positive identity):
- resourcefulness
- grit (the ability to positively deal with "crap") and perseverance
- sense of purpose
- self-reliance
- passion
- growth mindset
- positive view of future
- creativity

For more information, check out the full presentation slideshow here.

Praise Junkies

Process-based praise / product-based praise. Growth mindset / fixed mindset. Intrinsically motivated / extrinsically motivated.

These are all buzz words in the field of education right now. Personally, I find the topic fascinating.

At our parent support group last night we discussed the importance of person-based praise and how our own words and actions can help to shape the way our children feel about their own abilities. As a desired result of this kind of feedback, our children will have the tools to be confident, independent thinkers who find the value in trying hard, celebrating their own successes, and being okay with learning from their own mistakes.

A book that I recommend to families is Getting to Calm: The Early Years. In it, Laura Kastner discusses the GOLD standard for giving. To be effective, praise must be:

Genuine - young children know when they're being played with extreme praise. By praising children on traits they have the power to change - and showing genuine interest and care for these pursuits - praise feels more trustworthy.
Instead of: This picture belongs in a museum!
Try: I love the way the way the blue of the sky meets the green of the hill.

Occasional - excessive and frequent praise can make children feel uncomfortable. They also start to tune it out. Save praise for times when your child can reflect and learn from your words.
Instead of: Amazing! Good boy!
Try: I was impressed by how well you listened to the coach and tried your best during the game.

Limited and specific - despite adults seemingly being programmed to tell children 'good job' for their work, these kinds of general praise remarks really mean nothing to children. Research shows that general praise actually has a negative effect, decreasing interest, reducing achievement, stealing a child's pleasure, and creating praise junkies over time (eek! no pressure...).
Instead of: Good job! Amazing work!
Try: I appreciate that you cleared every dish off the table tonight.

Decent effort - the key to praising young children is to focus on traits they can change. When children receive feedback for a growth mindset, they learn that hard work and effort can pay off. On the flip side, when feedback focuses on fixed traits - such as intellect or "potential" - children may start to assume these identities. Once these mindsets are established, it can be very hard to break free.
Instead of: Your picture was the best in the class!
Try: Your effort to add lots of colors and details in your art is really paying off.

Nearly all of the parents last night agreed that, while a critical pursuit, making these changes to our parenting styles is not easy! It requires effort (ha) and energy to limit and refine our praise toward children to make it more meaningful.

It's also not going to happen overnight. One parent suggested taking note of how many times we say 'good job' during the day. From there, parents can set a goal or two for tweaking our praising behaviors. Over time, with small adjustments, this kind of feedback will start to get easier and easier. And the outcome? Happier, emotionally-healthier, confident, risk-taking children.

The Hanen Center provides another great article about praise and how to effectively start implementing person/process-based praise into our daily lives.