Praise Junkies

Process-based praise / product-based praise. Growth mindset / fixed mindset. Intrinsically motivated / extrinsically motivated.

These are all buzz words in the field of education right now. Personally, I find the topic fascinating.

At our parent support group last night we discussed the importance of person-based praise and how our own words and actions can help to shape the way our children feel about their own abilities. As a desired result of this kind of feedback, our children will have the tools to be confident, independent thinkers who find the value in trying hard, celebrating their own successes, and being okay with learning from their own mistakes.

A book that I recommend to families is Getting to Calm: The Early Years. In it, Laura Kastner discusses the GOLD standard for giving. To be effective, praise must be:

Genuine - young children know when they're being played with extreme praise. By praising children on traits they have the power to change - and showing genuine interest and care for these pursuits - praise feels more trustworthy.
Instead of: This picture belongs in a museum!
Try: I love the way the way the blue of the sky meets the green of the hill.

Occasional - excessive and frequent praise can make children feel uncomfortable. They also start to tune it out. Save praise for times when your child can reflect and learn from your words.
Instead of: Amazing! Good boy!
Try: I was impressed by how well you listened to the coach and tried your best during the game.

Limited and specific - despite adults seemingly being programmed to tell children 'good job' for their work, these kinds of general praise remarks really mean nothing to children. Research shows that general praise actually has a negative effect, decreasing interest, reducing achievement, stealing a child's pleasure, and creating praise junkies over time (eek! no pressure...).
Instead of: Good job! Amazing work!
Try: I appreciate that you cleared every dish off the table tonight.

Decent effort - the key to praising young children is to focus on traits they can change. When children receive feedback for a growth mindset, they learn that hard work and effort can pay off. On the flip side, when feedback focuses on fixed traits - such as intellect or "potential" - children may start to assume these identities. Once these mindsets are established, it can be very hard to break free.
Instead of: Your picture was the best in the class!
Try: Your effort to add lots of colors and details in your art is really paying off.

Nearly all of the parents last night agreed that, while a critical pursuit, making these changes to our parenting styles is not easy! It requires effort (ha) and energy to limit and refine our praise toward children to make it more meaningful.

It's also not going to happen overnight. One parent suggested taking note of how many times we say 'good job' during the day. From there, parents can set a goal or two for tweaking our praising behaviors. Over time, with small adjustments, this kind of feedback will start to get easier and easier. And the outcome? Happier, emotionally-healthier, confident, risk-taking children.

The Hanen Center provides another great article about praise and how to effectively start implementing person/process-based praise into our daily lives.