The S Word

There's a dirty word in preschool. Can you guess what it is?

No, not that one.

The word that I consider dirty in the preschool world - well, it may surprise you.  It's...

should

I hear this word all the time. From students. From parents. From myself. And it's one that I think about a lot. Maybe too much. So I'm going to try and get some of my thoughts on the subject out here.

For children, should implies a developing independence and autonomy. Surely, this is not a bad thing. But when it becomes a child's crutch for engagement in an activity, a certain level of intervention is necessary.

Should I add more colors? Should I be done with my picture now? Should I go play somewhere else?

When a child uses the S word a lot, it tells me that they look to adults for assurance and validation of their thoughts and feelings. During the early childhood years, it's critical for adults to take a step back from these invitations and encourage children to reflect and assess on their own. Only then can they start to strengthen that important self-evaluation muscle. Therefore, my approach to the S word in preschool is often just to respond with another question (or two, or three):

Should I add more colors?

What do you think? Is it done? How does it make you feel? 

For adults, should suggests that there's only one way something can be accomplished. It also implies a misguided focus on unrealistically high expectations.

Should he be writing his name by now? Should she know all of her letters and sounds by June? Shouldn't he be completely potty-trained by now?

It is so, so, so easy to get caught up in the "milestones" of childhood development. As parents, we are bombarded by information everywhere we look. We get caught up in conversations and comparisons with our friends. Deep down, we also truly just want our kids to be happy. And it's a logical conclusion that successful children are happy so we, as parents, should do everything in our power to help our children succeed in their happiness.

The only problem with this train of thought is that all children are different. Different innate personalities. Different backgrounds, resources, and family structures. Different coping mechanisms. Different birth stories. Different family values. The list could go on and on.

Despite being an educator for many years prior, it really took the bomb of becoming a parent to three children close in age for me to fully get this. My children really could not be more different. I have the extreme extrovert who thrives on being around people all the time. I have the extreme introvert with developmental delays who would happily spend all of his time at home. And then I have the perfect-on-the-outside-complex-on-the-inside child who needs more snuggles than the average human being. (And, yes, this is really minimizing their complex personalities). The point is, I found myself getting sucked into the never-ending whirlpool of childhood development shoulds and needed to find a way out.

So when I hear parents say the S word, I think it's important to take a step back. Take a look at the big picture. What are your child's strengths? Where can they use support? How can we get them that support? Is that support really necessary for a four year old?

What I have learned - and am still learning - is that children will get to where they need to go but they are all on their own developmental curve.

And living in a should world can be kind of should-y. So give yourself a break!